


Deconstruction

by Ithil



Category: Original Work
Genre: Complete, Early Work, Fantasy, Screenplay/Script Format, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-11-15
Updated: 2002-11-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 14:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithil/pseuds/Ithil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You'd think that being messenger of the gods would get a guy some respect, but Emal has terrible hours, an annoyingly angelic supervisor, and the overworld's worst dress code.</p>
<p>Rating for innuendo, sexual and suggestive situations, moderate cross-dressing and general depravity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Most Worthy

Thank you for reading chapter one... (-Diana R. Flynn) (drf24@columbia.edu)

I would like to thank a little muse named Big Evil.

.  
.  
.  
.  
.

Exterior: rock fields just above the treeline of Mt. Lorel. Camera pans to the craggy silhouette of the summit against the changing clouds. Angle changes to the cliffs; we have a stunning view of a city beside a river, obviously a day or more away on foot. Camera angle pans again, and we see a weary young man in a dusty but elaborately embroidered robe. Something small flutters over his shoulder. We see a tiny angel with white wings. Though without a stitch of clothing, her hair, wings or limbs always seem to keep us from seeing more than an outline. She speaks:

AMLAH: Don't lose hope, young master Emal!

EMAL: (covers his eyes in a gesture of extreme weariness) I'm so tired...

AMLAH: It's not much further yet! We must reach the temple at Coratheim!

EMAL: Why? When I get there, they're just going to make fun of me.

AMLAH: Now why do you think that? Silly!

EMAL: People always make fun of me! Whenever we go to this temple or that capital or this sacred monument do people say, "Look! It's Emal: the plucky young mage who defeated the demoness Iarim!" or "Isn't that the man who turned Baron Obidiah 'Big Evil Baron Guy' of Haddivale into a lemur?" NO! (plucks at the front of his robe) They just say "Who's that dork in the dress?"

AMLAH: (looks down, muttering) It's not a dress; it's a robe, the robe of the gods, given to the messenger of--

EMAL: It's a dress! The messenger of the gods job is supposed to go to a girl in my family and you know it!

AMLAH: (mutters)

EMAL: (raving) But nooooooo! My generation had to be all male! And I had to be the "most worthy!" It sucks!

AMLAH: Come now. We must hurry on...

EMAL: Figures. I get a cute naked chick for my sidekick and she's three inches tall and annoying as yakrash.

AMLAH: (offended) Three and one-quarter inches tall!

EMAL: (begins to move down the mountain) Yeah, whatever Tinkerbelle... What I wouldn't give for a cool sidekick. (sighs) So why are we going over Mr Lorel anyway? My feet are killing me.

AMLAH: (points) What a vista!

EMAL: I've got blisters up to my ankles because you wanted to take the scenic route?!

AMLAH: Surely a few blisters are repaid by the chance to see the gods' handiwork in such a--

EMAL: That's easy coming from someone who doesn't walk!! (fumes) At least I'll never have to come back here again. That's right. This story will NEVER take us back to Mt. Lorel, not even--

(A scream is heard off in the treeline.)

AMLAH: A wrong to be righted! (zooms toward it)

EMAL: A plot point! (follows her. Emal begins to wince with each step) Ow... Ow... Ow...

.  
.

Camera zooms by with Amlah's POV as she flies through the spriggy mountain spruces. The sound of screaming grows louder.

AMLAH: Hurry, master Emal, hurry!

EMAL: (still muttering "Ow. Ow. Ow," with each step, he has added to his mantra "Please be a cute girl. Please be a cute girl. Please be a cute girl...") I'm coming! ("Please be a cute girl!") How many prayers is that? I'm the messenger of the gods; I should get the employee discount!

AMLAH: (ahead, unseen) Here, master Emal! Here they are -aaah!!

EMAL: Amlah!

Emal follows her voice, running painfully into a clearing where a gnarly-lookin' 

A WOOD BRIGAND has just taken a swipe at Amlah with a mace. Emal quickly surveys the situation -he has stumbled upon a long-term brigand camp, with crude wooden shelters and a fire pit, over which is suspended a cage in which we can see the person screaming -- a very sooty eight year-old boy.

EMAL: Damn it!

AMLAH: Emal! (shakes her finger at him) Ah, ah ah! Eeeek! (dodges another mace swipe)

BRIGAND: Yeh cummon closer, y'eer? I niver et me a sammich made outta no talkin' bird befower!

AMLAH: I'm not a talking bird! I'm a diminutive guardian spirit sent by the gods to guide, protect and motivate their chosen messenger, lest he -- Eeep! (dodges)

BRIGAND: (sees Emal) If'rnya lookin fer trubbul ye bettano findin'it 'ere ya -- wireya werrinna predadress likkintha?

EMAL: Man, I have no idea what you just said, but I think you'd better let that boy out of that cage!

BOY: You tell him, lady!

EMAL: (to boy) I'll deal with you later. (to brigand) Cut him down or else!

BRIGAND: Orellsin wha?

EMAL: Orrellsin this! (Emal places his palms together and his face goes strangely calm.)

AMLAH: But Emal! You must save your strength!

EMAL: Don't worry, Amlah; a level-one invocation should do for this guy! Gods of the firmament, hear your messenger; and send the measure of your will to smite! 

(Emal's hair flares up and his clothes blow back in a special effect that would probably make a female messenger look really hot as he lowers his finger toward the Brigand) Smite!

A large fish falls from nowhere, beaning the Brigand, who collapses.

AMLAH: (trailing some rope) I'll tie him up, master Emal; you see to the boy.

EMAL: (takes down the cage) Come on out kid; it's all over.

SOOT: Why are you wearing a dress?

EMAL: Yes, you're very welcome to being rescued. Now let's get out of here before the other woodsmen get back!

SOOT: The others are much tougher than this guy! I think the only reason that they left him behind to guard me is that he's old and a little insane and has that striking speech impediment.

BRIGAND: (tied up) I tellin'yeh succha sammich I'damed...

EMAL: So why capture you in the first place? Were they holding you for ransom?

SOOT: ...yes?

EMAL: Amlah? Is the sky blue?

AMLAH: Sure is, silly!

EMAL: Do dogs have four feet?

AMLAH: Sure do!

EMAL: Are we on a mountain right now?

AMLAH: Sure are!

EMAL: Is kidnapping-for-ransom so serious of an offense for a man to commit to justify the most certainly minor crime of my stealing his shoes?

AMLAH: Sure is! (blinks) What-- wait! No it isn't!

EMAL: (takes the Brigand's boots and puts them on) Too late!

AMLAH: Grrr!

.  
.

The three of them are picking their way down the mountain toward the river.

EMAL: (happy content look on face) Mmmmmm... Proper ankle support...

AMLAH: (huffs)

EMAL: Almost ...as good ...as meeting ...cute girl...

SOOT: You're wierd. ...look, I know that it's unfair to assume that the a few high-media cases should apply to all of a given priesthood, but should I be running away? 

EMAL: What?! (head in hands, muttering) I hate this job...

AMLAH: Fear not little friend Soot! We will reunite you with your parents in Coratheim!

SOOT: Does she always talk like that?

EMAL: Pretty much. So do you know how much ransom the wood brigands were asking for you?

SOOT: Three hundred strings, I think.

EMAL: Wow! So when I bring you back unharmed, they'll probably give me at least--

AMLAH: (hands on tiny hips) Master Emal!

EMAL: What?

AMLAH: The temple masters see to all your worldly needs; why concern yourself with money? What would you buy?

EMAL: Look, this messenger job has crummy hours, mortifying conditions, and a horrible dress code. Don't you think I should get to wear pants on my off-time? How am I supposed to pick up chicks in this thing?

AMLAH: Master Emal, you will not ask this poor boy's parents for money!

EMAL: Actually, for three hundred strings they sound far from poor!

AMLAH: Master Emal!

SOOT: Why do you worry what she says? She's like three inches tall.

AMLAH: (background) Three and one-quarter!

EMAL: (sighs) The gods sent Amlah to me so that I'd never lose my way.

SOOT: Yeah, but it's not like she can make you do anything.  
(In the background, we see Amlah huff, very offended.)

EMAL: Well, no, but I really should listen to her stupid whining because if I don't she'll just rat on me to the boss.

(Amlah pulls out a slender metal box and clicks the big red button. Emal's whole body goes rigid and he falls over twitching as we hear a loud BZZZZZT!!)

SOOT: I see... (inches away)

.  
.  
.

Thank you for reading chapter one... (-Diana R. Flynn) (drf24@columbia.edu)


	2. Fun with Tasers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How far will the brigand chieftain go to regain the prisoner?
> 
> WARNING: This chapter may cause former babysitters to have flashbacks.

Soot and Emal are sitting by a campfire. 

 

**SOOT:** Do you really work for the gods? 

**EMAL:** It's not all it's cracked up to be, kid. My bosses are very demanding, and of course, you've met my supervisor. 

**AMLAH:** (Beams.) (...no, really; she's glowing.) 

**EMAL:** ...and thanks for asking about my job, anyway. Most of the time when people find out what I do for a living, all they ever want to know is-- 

**SOOT:** (eagerly) Does the goddess Essina really have six boobs? 

**EMAL:** (groans) 

**AMLAH:** No, dearie. That's just a rumor. 

**EMAL:** Not exactly... The gods are not locked to form the way we are -- each observer sees them differently. Essina's a goddess of beauty, so whoever looks upon her face sees only the most beautiful thing imaginable. 

**SOOT:** Wow. 

**EMAL:** ...right before their heads explode. 

**SOOT:** Cool! 

**EMAL:** (chuckles) Actually, yeah. 

**AMLAH:** Now, Emal! It's mean to laugh at other people's heads exploding. 

**EMAL:** Ha ha ha ha! 

**SOOT:** H _EE_ haa ha! (snort!)

**EMAL:** _HAAA_ heehe ha ha! 

**AMLAH:** (takes out taser) 

BZZZZT! 

**EMAL:** Ow! (falls over twitching) 

 

(Meanwhile, in the wood brigand hideout:) 

 

**BRIGAND#1:** Ennenthin enna talkin' bird enna fellain predadress enna fishanmi hedd! 

**BRIGAND JEDD:** What the heck did he just say? 

**BRIGAND HATRI:** You think I know? He's your uncle! 

**JEDD:** So the kid escaped... The boss isn't going to like this. 

**HATRI:** (Looks fearfully over his shoulder at the other brigands silhouetted against their cooking fires. One dark and ominous hooded form seems to stand out from the others.) ...do you want to tell her? 

 

(Back at Emal and Soot's camp) 

**SOOT:** (fanning smoke away from Emal's head) Did you really have to do that? 

**AMLAH:** He was being mean! 

**SOOT:** Yeah, but if you fry his brain, who's going to take me to Coratheim -- I mean, home!! 

**EMAL:** (slowly regaining consciousness) I gave you my lunch money; now leave me alone...

(Soot and Amlah exchange a confused glance. Amlah shrugs.)

**EMAL:** (Sitting up) Do you think you might want to turn that thing down? What good is punishing me if I get a memory blackout and can't remember what I did?

**AMLAH:** It's the only way you'll learn! 

**EMAL:** (to Soot) Did I forget to mention the memory blackouts? 

**SOOT:** No. 

**EMAL:** (to Amlah) Okay, so what if I do something in the middle of a battle? Do you really think that teaching me not to bite my nails is worth having me pass out and get eaten by obra wolves? 

**AMLAH:** You bite your nails?! (takes out taser) 

**EMAL:** (In panic) No!!

 

(Brigand camp; the sounds of eating, drinking and jostling have died down; a nervous silence fills the hollow.) 

**JEDD:** So I know it was my job to put Uncle Fzzr in charge of the prisoner, but it's not his-- it's not my fault, really!! 

**SILHOUETTE:** (We hear a harsh whisper) 

**JEDD:** Yes boss!! Okay; I'll do it! 

**SILHOUETTE:** (Points to Brigand Hatri and to one other) 

**HATRI:** Yes, boss! Don't come back without him; we've got it! 

The three of them hurry from the camp. The other brigands begin to (settle down, but there is still a palpable tension in the--) 

**JEDD:** (ducks back in) Sorry. Has anyone seen my hat? 

 

(Soot and Emal's camp. Emal is chasing Amlah in and out of the frame.) 

**EMAL:** (Chasing Amlah toward the woods) Give me that thing! 

**AMLAH:** No! 

**EMAL:** At least turn the voltage down! 

**AMLAH:** (Changing direction) No! 

**EMAL:** Come back here! 

(While Emal and Amlah are busy, Soot reaches into the fire with one hand. His skin neither burns nor smokes, and he begins to smile.) 

**EMAL:** (comes to a stop, breathless, near Soot) It's no use! 

**SOOT:** (yanks hand back) Hm? 

**EMAL:** Get some sleep, kid; we reach the river tomorrow.

 

 

(The woods, the next morning. Emal has put out the fire and waves at Soot to come with him down the barely-visible trail.) 

**SOOT:** Are we there yet? 

**AMLAH:** No, little master. We must first go down the moutain and then cross the river and then trek the plains and then get through customs and then-- 

**EMAL:** In other words, "no." 

(FUrther down Mount Lorel; the vegetation here is far more lush; many types of deciduous trees have filled in to replace the spruce, and clearings are filled with vines and low-growing plants.) 

**SOOT:** Are we there yet? 

**EMAL:** No. 

(The foothills beneath Mouth Lorel: the sunlight is dappled here and the earth is rich and black, giving off the scene of summer woodland.) 

**SOOT:** Are we there yet? 

**EMAL:** No. 

(The uplands of Mouth Lorel. The spruce are thick, and a recently-abandoned firesite is marked by stones and ash.) 

**HATRI:** Are we there yet? 

**JEDD:** No. 

(The flood levy beside the River Cronno, a rocky place, now dry with the ending of spring rains.) 

**SOOT:** Are we there ye-- wow!! 

(The trees give way and Emal looks up: the sun is strangely fierce in a perfect and cloudless shell-blue sky. Emal looks about to comment when he sees that Soot, rather, is looking at the river.)

 

(Our Zeroes --um! I mean Heroes approach the ferry over the River Cronno.) 

**SOOT:** We have to cross that thing? 

**EMAL:** (Picking his way down to the ferry) Well as the city is on that side and we're on this one, I'd say so. ...Unless you know how to fly. 

(As Emal walks off with Amlah, Soot, unseen looks about to say something but instead makes the "Damn!!" gesture with both hands.) 

**SOOT:** (Hurrying after Emal.) I don't wanna goooo!! 

**AMLAH:** Actually, Master Emal, flying across the river still counts as crossing it. You see, even though one need not-- 

**EMAL:** Bzzzt! 

**AMLAH:** Huh? 

**EMAL:** You're supposed to fall over twitching in extreme and undescribable pain! 

**AMLAH:** But you just made that sound with your mouth. 

**SOOT:** (In an ingratiating tone just this side of whining.) Guys? 

**EMAL:** No I didn't! (Closes eyes.) I've got a taser; I can see it: BZZZZTT!! 

**AMLAH:** Oh please! 

**EMAL:** (Eyes still closed.) You can't talk; you're too busy twitching! (Serene smile.) Oh yeah... 

**SOOT:** Guuuyyeeees!! 

**AMLAH:** Take heart, little master. Think of your joyful parents. 

**SOOT:** Don't need parents; need to stay away from river! (Starts to run.) 

**EMAL:** (Grabs Soot by the collar.) Come on now... My little brother used to be afraid of water too. It'll be over soon and while it pains me to admit it, Amlah's right-- 

**AMLAH:** (Flicks hair) 

**EMAL:** \-- and you should just think about getting to Coratheim. 

**SOOT:** Yes... Coratheim. (Looks back to river.) Eeeep!! 

**FERRYGUY:** Look at that little fella' jump! 

**EMAL:** Get off me! 

**SOOT:** (Clinging to the back of Emal's head.) I don't wanna go!


	3. Needing Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When will you abandon these distractions and embrace your destiny?" demanded Amlah.
> 
> "When my destiny is a hot chick!"

WARNING: IRRELEVANT AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD!!

The original version of this story was written last November (2002) in my favorite forum – right after fanfiction was banned there. I had to stop another piece in the middle, and felt like making some people laugh. It's light, stupid, relatively lowbrow humor. It's supposed to be.

Have I given you a nasty review lately? Get revenge!!

 

(The Ferryguy is poling across the river, blinking occasionally at Amlah -- she is a naked chick -- who is hovering in front of Emal. Soot is making "meep!" and "merfle!" noises while clinging to Emal with all his might.) 

AMLAH: So what do you wish to do once you've delivered your message, Master Emal? 

EMAL: Well, Amlah, I've been doing some --ggkk!! (Emal picks Soot's hand out of his mouth.) --thinking, and I think I need a new angle. I'm stuck with this messenger gig and I can't change that. 

AMLAH: Oh Master Emal! I have been waiting for you to realize that your view of life needs adjustment! 

EMAL: Well I figured that as long as I (Emal blinks heavily as Soot puts his hand over one of his eyes.) have this look I might as well find a way to make it work -- and hang with guys who won't look down on me! 

AMLAH: Master Emal, when I said I felt that your life needed more direction I didn't exactly mean that you should -- 

EMAL: I'm joining the bishonen guild!! 

AMLAH: What?! 

EMAL: I need to learn to be effeminate in a way that _will_ get me chicks! 

AMLAH: (Hands on hips, shaking head.) Oh, Master Emal...

 

 

(The foothills beneath Mouth Lorel. The three brigands are consumed in the pursuit of the escaped Soot!) 

HATRI: Come on guys, you know the words! 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: Not another one of your infernal singalongs! 

HATRI: But I get bored! All we do is walk! 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: Hatri, we disappointed our chieftaness; we just barely escaped with our skins! We could have died not sixteen hours ago, and we have no resources, limited funds, and a nearly impossible quarry to track not to mention that we have to bring it back alive and while it's loose it could do incalculable damage to society and the world itself!! We may just have to kill it for the good of mortalkind and then take our chances with the boss! 

HATRI: (Thinks) But what if I let you pick the song? 

JEDD: Gah! 

HATRI: How 'bout you? 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

HATRI: Great choice!! (Inhales) 'Cause I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay... 

ORANFH: (mumbles in tune)

 

 

(The ferryguy is approaching the far shore.) 

 

AMLAH: Master Emal, when you said that your life needed direction, I thought you were saying that you meant to become a priest of the geist like your father! 

EMAL: No, I wanted to pick up babes. 

AMLAH: The vows of a priest of the geist do not forbid him to consort with women. 

EMAL: Yeah but I'm pretty sure "thou shalt not pass the nighte in drunken stupour on the floore of ye cheape singles barr" does get mentioned somewhere. 

AMLAH: First that correspondence course in secular magic, and now a bishounen membership? When will you give up these depravities and embrace your destiny? 

EMAL: When my destiny is a hot chick! 

AMLAH: Oooooh! (cutely steamed) 

EMAL: Look, featherhead, (Emal pulls himself to his most impressive height. The effect is slightly spoiled by the whimpering eight year-old still clinging to his back.) I didn't have any choice when I took this job -- well okay I did but not a good one -- so why shouldn't I at least get some control over my own life? I don't want to be a priest! Live with it! 

FERRYGUY: Alright, folks; we're here. 

AMLAH: Dearest riverman, you have the deepest thanks of the most high pantheon and of their chosen messenger! When you stand before them on your final day, be sure that they will remember your kindness and generosity toward-- 

EMAL: (Pays him) Here's your money, man. 

FERRYGUY: No tip?! 

EMAL: Times are tough.

FERRYGUY: Cheap #$%*&!!

AMLAH: Ooooo! You! (Shakes her finger at the ferryguy)

FERRYGUY: $%*&, you, little naked flying chick!

AMLAH: (To Emal) And where did you get that money? 

EMAL: It was in the insane brigand's shoe. Amlah; we're going to have to have a talk pretty soon... (steps onto dry land)

SOOT: EEEEEEE!!

EMAL: (Covering ears) Gaaaaaah!

SOOT: (Jumps down from Emal's shoulders.) I'm alive! I'm still alive! Oh sweet merciful father above!! 

AMLAH: (To Emal) How come you never show that kind of piety? 

EMAL: He's obviously never met the guy. 

AMLAH: Ooooo!! (Takes out taser.) 

BZZZZT!! 

(Soot dances and sings "I'm across the big-bad RIV-er! Across the big bad RIV-er!" while Emal lies twitching in the gravel.) 

SOOT: (Intensely happy.) Come on, Amlah! Let's go to Coratheim! 

EMAL: Geeaaa... (Semiconscious) Loaf of bread, bottle of milk, come home right away...

 

 

(The foothills above the levy.) 

HATRI and ORANFH: (Oranfh is only mumbling, but with great feeling:) ...do you understand? Am I onlay dreeeeeaming, or is. This. Buuurrning. An. Eee. Ternal _flaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!_

JEDD: I can't take it anymore!! 

HATRI: What, did you want the solo in that? 

JEDD: No more singing!! We're rough-and-tumble woodsmen, remember? Manly men don't sing! 

HATRI: (Knowing glance with Oranfh) Looks like someone didn't see a certain very special Buffy the Vampire Slayer last season.

ORANFH: (affirmative grunt) 

JEDD: (Simmers.) 

HATRI: So are we getting close? 

JEDD: What do you mean? 

HATRI: I mean you're the one who took two semesters at mage college! You've been tracking the kid's aura, right? 

JEDD: No! I told you three hours ago; it's like he just disappeared! 

HATRI: You did?! 

JEDD: (Clenches teeth) You were halfway through "Sunset Boulevard"? 

HATRI: Oh yeah; I thought you'd said something... 

JEDD: I thought that you were tracking the kid! Y'know, with your super-woodsyguy skills and all that! 

HATRI: Umm... Yeah! Yeah I was! He went, uuhhh (points toward the river) that way! 

JEDD: (Looks) Well at least we can get a good beer if we stop in the city... 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: I don't know, man. I don't think his aura just wiped out... He must have found something to sheild him -- a sort of opposite aura to his own. Then I wouldn't be able to sense either one of them! They'd cancel each other out. 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: Yeah; it is kinda' like electromagnetic theory! 

HATRI: But where would he find a being that would emit such a strong aura of good on such short notice? 

 

(Interior; Coratheim customs office.) 

EMAL: (Twitching on the floor) _Jammies with the feet..._

AMLAH: That'll teach you to cut in line! 

OFFICER: (To Emal) Sir, this is a non-smoking area. Please put out your head.


	4. Every Job Has Its Perks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emal and Soot have reached Coratheim with a message for the sun god, but not before Emal runs a little errand...

NOT-SO-IRRELEVANT AUTHOR'S NOTE: Emal, Amlah, Soot, the assorted wood brigands, many characters yet to be posted here, and the world they live in are my own original work, though some of them are named after people I know from online. Over the course of this story, however, I am probably going to mention characters and concepts from other pieces and real life. In each case, disclaimers will usually come at the end of each installment. Like now:

Please see the end of this chapter for disclaimer.

 

 

(Cobbled street -- Coratheim. It is a rather quiet and only moderately bustling afternoon; market day is some time away.) 

EMAL: Amlah, you really have to stop doing that. It's killing off my brain cells and the joke was old at least three scenes ago. 

AMLAH: So don't be bad! Your mother and father raised you to know right from wrong! 

EMAL: Yeah, but they-- 

SOOT: Where are we going? 

AMLAH: Master Emal must deliver his message from Her Most High Kojiia, Lady of the Stormcloud to her kinsman Pyrosk! 

SOOT: (Stuttering) P-py-- 

EMAL: Don't even try, kid. It took me years to get all the pronunciations right. Just call him "sun god;" he seems to dig that. 

SOOT: (Gulps.) Okay. 

EMAL: But that's not where we're going first, anyway. 

AMLAH: Mmmmm. (Begins to reach for taser.) 

EMAL: Come on! He never takes messages during the day anyway! We'll run my errand and then head for the temple. Someone there will probably know Soot's family. (Shakes his head) Kid, by the time I was eight, I had my address down cold. I can't believe your mom would let something like that slip! 

SOOT: Heh. Yeah... 

EMAL: Here we are! 

(The three of them come to a stop outside a thatched building with a sign over its door which bears the image of a sword upright against a bottle of Herbal Essences.) 

 

 

(Interior: Coratheim-area Bishounen Guild Offices. The place is economically furnished with linoleum floors, and there are shelves with pamphlets. Doors lead to a library and a small gym for local and visiting members and a midsized gathering room. On the wall are signed, framed photographs, obviously taken on the premises: In one, Sephiroth smiles brightly while giving the "peace" sign, though there are also pictures of Inuyasha, Kit, Eikre, and half the male cast of "Gundam Wing.") 

EMAL: (Flashes his pearly whites at the receptionist.) I'd like an application form, please! 

RECEPTIONIST: (Looks Emal up and down.) I know this is the bishie guild, hon, but what's with the dress?

 

 

(Exterior, Bishounen Guild Offices. Emal walks out to the street where Amlah and Soot have been playing some kind of dice game while they waited. Emal is reading a pamphlet.) 

EMAL: Lemme see. Grow my hair out... (Tugs a strand of his bowl cut and makes a face.) That'll take a while, but it doesn't sound too hard. Do eggwhites really do that? (Skeptical.) "To Fringe or not to Fringe: Bangs and You." 

SOOT: How'd it go? 

EMAL: I'm being scheduled for an interview. Ready to go see the temple, Soot? Have you ever been there before? 

SOOT: (Clams up.) N-no...

 

 

(Exterior: Cobbled street in Coratheim. This one is much wider, with smoother stones, spreading off into a wide square.) 

EMAL: Surely you've been here before, Soot. You must really know your way around. 

SOOT: Um ...'course! Lots of times! 

AMLAH: Let's see if you remember your city cartography! (Points to a building with white block pillars) To what exalted purpose is that house of grandeur? 

SOOT: (Tensely clueless) Uh... city ...senate? 

AMLAH: And that one? (points) 

SOOT: (Nervously clueless) Department of Sanitation? 

AMLAH: Silly! That's for the department of public education, (Shakes a finger) and it seems they've been lax! 

EMAL: Don't be so hard on the kid, Amlah. Give him an easy one. 

AMLAH: Any son of Coratheim should know these things! Little master Soot, please point to the temple of our Most High sun god! 

SOOT: (Absolutely sure) Right there. 

(Soot has pointed to a grand hall, with gates embossed with garnets and gold.) 

EMAL: See? He didn't even have to look up for that one. Let's go. 

(Our Zeroes walk toward the temple of Pyrosk.) 

AMLAH: You see, little master (hovers in front of Soot), while the gods themselves are in all practical ways invulnerable to harm, they dearly esteem the sanctity of their holy spaces. Do you know why the priests build those pillars? 

(Amlah points to a semicircle of five oddly stocky and plain structures. They are made not of marble, like the rest of the grand buildings, but of some substance not readily identifyable as wood, stone or metal. The tapered summit of each bears the mandala-sign of Pyrosk, the Undying Sun. Around each base are signs that we would recognize as runes, kanji, ogham and glyphs, among many more which we would not. Though imposing, the pillars are not much taller than men, and seem to stand guard over the temple door.) 

SOOT: (Gulps) They're ward pillars. They allow the priests here to sense any aura that passes through them, especially strong ones. 

AMLAH: Right! My Master Emal may not take his purpose as seriously as he should, but he gives off an aura like anything! But don't worry -- (she taps him on the nose) we're expected! 

EMAL: I hate walking through those things. It's worse than when I eat squid! 

AMLAH: Oooooh! (Sits down on Soot's shoulder, folding her arms across her chest and looking away.) 

SOOT: (Grows increasingly nervous as they approach the wards. By the time Emal passes through and begins to climb the stairs, Soot is several steps behind.) 

EMAL: Come on, kid! Don't you want to see? 

SOOT: (Grits his teeth, squeezes his eyes shut and steps across the invisible line between the "wood" and "metal" pillars. He stops just on the other side, as if waiting for something.) 

. . . 

SOOT: (Opens one eye) Huh? 

EMAL: What's the holdup? 

SOOT: What the? (Looks at Amlah, still pouting on his shoulder, and his eyes go as big as eggs.) I'm-- I'm coming! (Begins to run up the stairs.) Wait for me! 

EMAL: Don't worry, kid; this usually takes a minute. (Emal pauses to make a highly ritualized bow to the cowled acolytes at the gate.) 

ACOLYTE: (In Old High Onyx) _Who craves entrance to the hall of his Most High?_

EMAL: (Badly accented) _I am the Messenger._

AMLAH: (Perfect) _I am a guide._

SOOT: (Perfect) _I am some kid they picked up on the road._

(The acolytes, Emal and Amlah all stare at Soot.) 

SOOT: _What? I can't have layers?_

(The acolytes open the gate and wave the three of them inside, where a number of monks and priests are going about their duties.) 

EMAL: I tell you, Soot; my job is terrible! Lousy hours, lousy food, lousy dress code... 

ACOLYTE: (Shouting) _THE MESSENGER HAS ARRIVED! GREET HIM IN THE USUAL MANNER!!_

(There is a loud FOOOMP! as fifty assorted clergy fall face-first on the floor.) 

EMAL: ...but I must admit that I do like this part... 

AMLAH: (Still in a huff)

 

 

(Interior: Temple of Pyrosk. The priests have dusted themselves off and gone back to work. Emal is being escorted toward the nave first by a pair of acolytes, then by a pair of novices. As they approch a certain level, the two guides smoothly swerve away and are replaced by full priests, but unlike the others, these are not only cowled, but blindfolded. Their steps, however, never falter. Soot, his fears pushed aside, is staring gape-jawed at the arched and tiled cieling as they walk.) 

SOOT: The sun-god lives here? 

PRIEST1: Pyrosk is everywhere his light may touch, my son. 

PRIEST2: And by "light," keep in mind that we also mean it in the metaphorical sense like wisdom and stuff.

PRIEST1: This place is merely a focal point for the minds of the masses who come to revere him on the days of observation.

SOOT: So the sun-god lives here? 

EMAL: Would you guys watch out for my little buddy here while I do my sacred duty?

PRIEST1: Messenger, the little boys room is that way (points).

EMAL: I meant talk to Lord Pyrosk!!

PRIEST1: Oh! Dude! 

PRIEST2: Sure! We'll keep an eye on the kid. 

SOOT: (To Emal) You know they're wearing blindfolds, right? 

EMAL: Gah! (Slips into the nave.)

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I don't really think I need this thing, but just in case… STOP! DON'T SUE!

I don't own Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII – Squaresoft), Inuyasha (Takahashi Rumiko), Kit (www.acidrefluxcomic.com), Eikre (www.rpgworldcomic.com – Ian J), Herbal Essences, or anyone from Gundam Wing. These names are all used without permission, for what should be obvious reasons.


	5. Divinity and the Art of Quaffing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is a god really so different from the average wood brigand?

(Scene: ..? The world seems to be ablaze in shades of red, gold, white and blue. Dim shapes move in the distance: the silhouettes of ...men? Each flicker has purpose. Each thought of each soul is one glint of the blazing day that is existence. From great height, all is revealed in pattern. We see through the eyes of the sun god.) 

(One shadow approaches, its features growing clearer. Too close; it will be consumed, but it is the way of life to rise and die and rise again in the-- oh wait; it's Emal.) 

EMAL: (Narrowing his eyes against the blaze) The Messenger greets the Sun Most High and craves permission to speak further. 

(He is permitted. The light will reveal.) 

EMAL: The divine lady Kojiia, Stormcloud, bids you know that while she will ever block your acts as you must ever scald her, she felt great honor in that which was entrusted. It pains her then, to say that that which was entrusted has been taken, and by a being of motive foul. 

(A thing of value left with Stormcloud... Only one, then. Only the one which it might be. It must be recovered.) 

EMAL: She awaits your act or inact, and holds her thunder at bay against it. In her name I beg the Sun Most High to recover that which was lost, before it find the Hidden Thing, and grow to its full power. 

(The thing of value must be found. The Hidden Thing must remain.) 

EMAL: Okay; that's it. Anything to say back or shall I be on my way? 

(The messenger will find the thing of value.) 

EMAL: You say something? 

(The messenger will find the thing of value and return it to Kojiia. May the Stormcloud shield it better this second time, that stupid twit.) 

EMAL: You _what?!_

(No; really! She's always losing things. I must have been really wasted to leave it with her.) 

EMAL: No no no no! Find it? What does it look like? What is it? 

(The messenger will find the thing of value. The messenger will go.) 

EMAL: God-dammit! 

(The messenger will not tempt the light.) 

EMAL: Sorry, dude. 

('S cool...) 

 

 

 

(Interior, the nave, just outside the sanctorum. Soot is sitting with the two priests, Amlah still on his shoulder. He looks up as Emal emerges.) 

EMAL: Amlah, get your feathery rump in gear; we've got a new mystery gig. 

AMLAH: Goodie! 

EMAL: Yeesh... 

SOOT: Emal, may I ask you something? 

EMAL: Shoot, kid. 

SOOT: ...so are you the messenger because your head doesn't explode when you look at the gods, or does your head not explode when you look at the gods 'cause you're the messenger? 

EMAL: (Blinks.) No, I didn't think I was having enough nightmares already. Thank you, Soot! (To Amlah) So did the priests know anything about Soot's family? 

AMLAH: No... Looks like we'll have to find the little guy's parents ourselves! Surely you remember something about where you lived, little master. 

SOOT: Umm... 

EMAL: We'll start tomorrow. I know an inn where we can stay. (Sighs) Looks like no cheap beer and drunken women for me tonight. Let's get outta here. (To Amlah) You wouldn't _believe_ what that guy wants me to do next! 

AMLAH: Oh you of teensy faith! 

SOOT: (Eagerly) The priests were telling me all about this guy! The sun-god is cool! They said that the day is a somethagiggy for renewal, and height is a metaphor for wisdom. The sun-god spends days watching the pattern of existence. He's got like the ultimate perspeggive and stuff! 

AMLAH: Perspective, little master. 

EMAL: And he gives such specific instructions... (grumbles) 

AMLAH: (To Emal) Such a young person, and his enthusiasm far outstrips yours. 

EMAL: Yeah, yeah... 

SOOT: And he can use his perspeggive to destroy his enemies in the most excruciating way possible! And he can wilt crops and burn cities! He totally rocks! I wanna be just like him when I grow up!! 

AMLAH: (Blinks) 

EMAL: Well that was different.

 

 

 

(The levy above the river.) 

JEDD: Are you sure, man? 

HATRI: Of course not, but where else could he have gone? 

JEDD: There's no way he could have crossed the Cronno! The river would have sensed his presence and killed him! 

HATRI: But you said yourself that his aura's being shielded! 

JEDD: From a mage-school dropout like me, but from a river god? 

HATRI: Look; the tracks lead here, and they go straight toward the ferry. He's obviously going to Coratheim! 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: He's right! You just stumbled across those tracks; how do we know they're the right ones? And this kid even had an adult with him! 

HATRI: Which makes sense! Do you think he got himself out of that cage? Someone hit your uncle Fzzr over the head with a fish and took him along. 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

HATRI: Great idea, man! 

JEDD: Yeah, you rock! 

HATRI: It's set, then? 

JEDD: Let's go: We'll just ask the ferryguy if he saw him! 

HATRI: And then we'll get drunk!

 

 

(Scene, back at the brigand camp. A dark silhouette raises its hand toward the fire. As the dimness gathers around it, images form in the flames. We see Jedd arguing with Hatri. We see the river.) 

(The silhouette motions to a brigand to bring it something. He draws closer, and we see him hand the figure Emal's discarded orthopaedic-nightmare shoes. The silhouette scratches a dark finger across a stain on the wood -- blood from Emal's feet. It raises its arm and tosses one shoe into the fire.) 

(Sparks and steam rise, and we see an image of a young man in an embroidered robe walking down a cobbled street toward an inn. He looks over his shoulder and we see his mouth move as if he's speaking. A small boy trots up behind him with something too small to make out on his shoulder. The young man speaks. The child answers. The small thing flutters. The young man falls over twitching.) 

(The figure goes still as the image fades. It rises to its feet, gathering its cloak. It motions to one of the men.) 

BRIGAND RYUA: Now, boss? 

(The figure nods and speaks quietly.) 

RYUA: Yes, boss! I'll take care of business until you get back. 

(Without further fanfare, the figure glides off into the woods. As quiet as the crackling wood, we hear it whisper a word:" 

_"Messenger..."_

 

 

 

(The Inn. Emal has gotten a room with two narrow beds.) 

EMAL: See, Amlah? This is why I've started talking to the priests about money. The ferries, the innkeepers, the cobblers; they don't give free to the servants of the gods anymore. If you think about it; it's only fair. 

AMLAH: Hmmph! 

SOOT: The temple was really cool! 

EMAL: That's nice, kid. Get some sleep. 

SOOT: And they had all these awesome fires with I don't know what burning, but they told me not to go near them. (Laughs) Heh! Blindfolded guys! 

EMAL: Time to sleep, Soot. 

SOOT: It was the most amazing fire I've ever felt -- uh! Seen! 

EMAL: That's nice: sleep. (rubs his eyes) In the morning, I need to figure out what to do about this 'thing of value' that Pyrosk was talking about. 

SOOT: 'Thing of value'? 

AMLAH: Indeed. There are many things of value to the sun god Most High, but which would he have left with the Divine Lady of the Stormcloud? 

SOOT: (To self) Kojiia... 

EMAL: Especially considering this 'hidden whatever' or something. 

SOOT: Hidden whatever! 

EMAL: Hmm? 

SOOT: I uh... I heard my, uh, parents talk about something like that once! 

AMLAH: Most excellent! Perhaps they will share more with us when we deliver you to their joyous hands on the morrow. 

SOOT: Um... Why don't I just take you where I think it is? That'd save so much time! 

EMAL: Soot; bedtime! Now! 

SOOT: I'm not tired yet! 

EMAL: (To Amlah) Any chance you could... (Emal points at Soot and mimes going stiff and shaking.) 

AMLAH: (Hands on hips.) Tasering a child? That's awful! (Takes out taser) 

EMAL: Yeah, well sometimes. I'm glad you see this my way for on-- 

BZZZZZT. 

SOOT: I don't want to go to sleep yet! Amlah, do I have to? 

EMAL: (Head still steaming.) (To Amlah) Quit doing that!! 

AMLAH: Now little master Soot; you need your rest! 

SOOT: No I don't! Let's go find this hidden thingie! 

EMAL: No way! This has been wierd, kid, but we're taking you back to your parents tomorrow and that's that! 

SOOT: (Under breath.) Well I can't have _that..._ (Usual voice.) Come on! I can be useful! Let me come with you! 

EMAL: Out of the question. Not only is it too dangerous to take an eight year-old, not only do I have no idea where I'm going, not only do I have to be back in time for my bishounen interview, but we're not even looking for some hidden thing! Pyrosk may be a bit overbearing and an absolute moron about giving instruct-- _DON'T YOU DARE!!_

AMLAH: (Grumbles and puts away her taser.) 

EMAL: --instructions, but I was able to get the idea that the hidden thing stays hidden, we stay away from it, and find this thing of value. 

SOOT: But the sun-god said that whoever took the thing was doing it to find the hidden one! 

EMAL: (blinks) 

SOOT: Um... I mean _...didn't_ he? (gulps) And you don't even know what this thing of value is, right? Just that whoever took it is going to use it to get the hidden thing, so the best thing to do would be to find the hidden thing yourself and wait for the thief to come to you. 

AMLAH: The little master has a point, master Emal. 

EMAL: (To Soot) You're ...wierd. 

 

 

 

(Interior: Ye Cheape Singles Barr. Our B-party is in assorted states of inebriation.) 

 

JEDD: (To quasi-attractive woman.) So yeah, baby, I spent some time at mage college; but I'd sure like to invoke _your_ familiar spirit! 

HATRI: You know what confuses me, Oranfh? 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

HATRI: If the kid is so dangerous, why wouldn't the boss just kill him? This isn't one of those times when the heroes are convinced that the evil creature's heart can be turned toward goodness, is it? I hate it when that happens. 

ORANFH: (shrugs) 

HATRI: It's just that we spent all that time and energy kidnapping him in the first place. (Starts to laugh.) Blindfolded guys! 

ORANFH: (mumble-laughs) 

JEDD: (To woman) Okay, just a minute; let me focus. (Picks up a glass, which is quickly surrounded by an ooky green glow.) Tadaa! 

WOMAN: ...? 

JEDD: I performed a conversion! 

WOMAN: You did? (sips) 

JEDD: Yeah; I turned beer into ale! 

HATRI: That's lame, man. 

JEDD: Shut up!


	6. Breakfast and Beer Goggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brought to you by Chaos Baked Goods!

STOP! DON'T SUE!! I don't own — Oh, wait. I kinda' do. Never mind!  
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(Scene: the next morning. Emal, wearing a coat over his dress-robe, is buying toastie-cakes(TM) from a street vendor who's wearing gloves and working at a griddle.) 

AMLAH: Now what do you say, little master? 

SOOT: Oh! (To vendor) Make mine with extra glaze! 

AMLAH: Oooooo! 

SOOT: (Laughs.) I mean "thanks." 

EMAL: (Under breath.) 'Course if I'd said something like that I'd be twitching on the floor right now, but noooooooo. Amlah just wuvs little Sootie. 

VENDOR: You're welcome, little guy. (Pokes the griddle.) I bet your mom never lets you eat these for breakfast! You must like it when she leaves your big brother in charge. 

SOOT: (Blinks) 

EMAL: Oh, he's not my brother. I'm just ...looking after him for a while. In fact, my feathery little buddy and I here are taking him home today. 

SOOT: (Mumbles.) 

VENDOR: Well that's nice. (Handing one to Soot.) Careful, little guy; they're hot. 

SOOT: (Taking it from him.) Nope; it's fine. (Takes a bite.) 

VENDOR: (Shrugs. Offers Emal his.) 

EMAL: (Takes it.) YEEEEOW!! HOLY &%#$!! (Drops it, shaking his fingers.) 

AMLAH: Master Emal! Language! (Takes out taser!) 

EMAL: No, no; wait! 

BZZZZZZT! 

EMAL: Gah! 

SOOT: (Takes another bite.)

 

 

(Scene: River Cronno) 

FERRYGUY: What? No tip? 

SILHOUETTE: Times are tough. 

FERRYGUY: #$%@ you, scary black-cape guy!

 

(The street, several minutes later.) 

EMAL: (twitches) No more wedgies; I'm not even wearing underpants! 

SOOT: Amlah? (munches on toastie-cake) 

AMLAH: Yes little master? 

SOOT: What's he talking about? 

AMLAH: Who? Master Emal? 

SOOT: (Taking another bite) Yeah. 

AMLAH: I'm not really sure. 

EMAL: Geeeeaah... Lemme alone or I'm telling Ms. Pheesters. 

SOOT: Second-grade teacher? 

AMLAH: Sixth. 

SOOT: Hm. (Licks fingers.) Do you think he knows he's saying that stuff? 

AMLAH: (Shrugs.) It matters not, little master Soot. He will wake and we will return you to your parents. 

SOOT: But I have to stay with you guys! 

EMAL: How long was I out this time? (Shakes gravel out of ear.) 

(There is some clattering at a nearby door -- Emal naturally got them rooms at the inn near Ye Cheape Singles Barr. Two brigands walk out into the street.) 

SOOT: Eeep! (Hides behind Emal) 

EMAL: Come on, now... (Begins to back toward the allyway. Soon he, Soot and Amlah are out of sight.) 

BRIGAND JEDD: Why didn't you guys tell me she was that ugly?! 

EMAL: That voice! ...nah. 

BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles) 

BRIGAND HATRI: You said you didn't care! 

BRIGAND JEDD: Never listen to me when I'm that drunk! 

(The doorhandle clicks) 

BRIGAND JEDD: Gah! Here she comes! (Begins to run.) 

BRIGAND HATRI: Oh relax; she probably just wants to beg your forgiveness for scarring you for life. 

(The door opens and an INSANELY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN steps out onto the cobblestones.) 

WOMAN: There you are my woodland sweetheart! 

BRIGAND ORANFH: (Mumbles in confusion.) 

WOMAN: (Walks up to Hatri and kisses him.) Now you be sure to come back some time! (Walks away.) 

BRIGAND JEDD: (Picks jaw up off of ground.) I know I was wasted, but how did that happen? 

BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles) 

BRIGAND HATRI: What can I say? Hot chicks dig guys who sing. 

BRIGAND JEDD: Life isn't fair. 

BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles) 

BRIGAND HATRI: He's right. Don't be like that, man; I'll buy you breakfast. 

BRIGAND JEDD: I guess so. Things do tend to seem better with a piping hot toastie-cake. 

(All three brigands smile at the camera as the Chaos Baked Goods logo is flashed.) 

BRIGAND HATRI: Yes! And then we'll find that escaped kid! 

EMAL: (Herding Soot and Amlah even further away from the three.) I guess that's it, then... 

SOOT: That's what? 

EMAL: I'm sorry, Soot, but we can't take you home just yet -- 

SOOT: WOHOO! Um! I mean... why not? 

EMAL: Because if we did, those losers would just nab you again. I'm afraid you'll have to hang with us a while longer. 

AMLAH: Master Emal is right, little Soot! But do not be discouraged! We can stop by your parents home that they may know of your safety and cease their torment of worry! 

SOOT: Let's not! ...I mean... Wouldn't that just lead the brigands to think you brought me back and ...uh... make them hurt people? 

EMAL: He's right; we can't risk endangering Soot's family. 

SOOT: Right! Innocent people and puppies and stuff! 

AMLAH: It is decided then, Master Emal? We must keep the boy as safe as we may while we seek after the words of Lord Pyrosk. 

EMAL: The hidden thing. If only we had some clue toward what it was, where it was kept, why it's hidden, what it looks like, or who might want it... 

SOOT: (Raises hand) Actually... Um… My dad is a, uh ...city historian! I think I remember him telling me about something in the catacombs! 

AMLAH: But the catacombs are oft-frequented by mourners and tour groups! Nothing there could remain unseen for long. 

EMAL: Yeah, but the catacombs are a place where sunlight never goes. Something down there might not seem hidden to us, but Pyrosk just might. 

AMLAH: What else do you recall, little master? 

SOOT: I'll see what I can remember on the way. 

(The three of them start to walk off.) 

EMAL: So how does a city historian afford a three hundred string ransom? 

SOOT: ...he also dabbles in securities? 

EMAL: Hm. 

 

(Scene: city gates. The figure in the black cape is holding a pamphlet that reads WELCOME TO CORATHEIM! We see the pages turn to THINGS TO DO: CATACOMB TOURS!)


	7. Dust, Death and Tourists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lanolin with Vitamin-E should NOT be used for embalming fluid.

(Scene: a tunnel lit with torches and smelling of dust, death and tourists. Emal is still wearing his black coat over his robe, and somewhere along the line, Soot has obtained a pair of sunglasses and an I (HEART-SHAPE) CORATHEIM shirt.) 

 

EMAL: (To Amlah) I love this! (Chugs some water) No more "What's with the dress?" Now all I get is "What's with the coat?" I think I may have stumbled across something great here! 

SOOT: Yeah, but you're sweating like a wood brigand. Won't the dehydration start to mess with your mind? 

AMLAH: Indeed, Master Emal! 

EMAL: (Points at them) Well I'm living without ridicule, so all four of you can shut up! 

TOUR GUIDE: (A youngish woman with red hair and extreme buck teeth.) Okay, people! My name is Mitsie and I'll be your tour guide as we explore the archaeological section of Coratheim's catacombs in a non-destructive and totally non-desecratory manner! ...so let me reiterate our rules against flash photography and urinating on the burial sites. 

(At least two of the tourists look disappointed.) 

MITSIE: Now, now! I'm sure we all remember last year's Evil Dead incident. Why I'm still picking pieces of brain out of my couch! 

(The tourists laugh nervously.) 

EMAL: (Reading a brochure) Soot, nothing in here even looks like it might be Lord Pyrosk's hidden. 

SOOT: Of course not! We'll have to sneak away from the tour further down! 

MITSIE: Okay, so if we've got everyone -- yes, is that someone else in the back? 

(From the rear, our SHADOWY FIGURE emerges, holding a CATA-TOURS ticket.) 

SILHOUETTE: (Looks through the crowd and quickly spots Soot. Giving a start, the figure looks down at its extremely memorable and conspicuous black cloak. Before Soot can turn his head, the figure whips off the cloak and tosses it aside. We can see now that the figure is a STUNNINGLY HOT CHICK with sleek black hair and bright eyes.) 

EMAL: (Chokes on his water.) 

MITSIE: Yes, you come right up with us; there's room! 

SOOT: (Frowns.) 

EMAL: (Snorting water out his nose.)

 

 

(Scene: Street. The three brigands are ambling.) 

 

HATRI: We're never gonna find the demi-demon just roaming around like this. 

ORANFH: (mumbles affirmatively) 

HATRI: We need a plan. 

ORANFH: (mumbles affirmatively) 

HATRI: What do you think, Jedd? 

JEDD: I think we're in trouble. 

HATRI: Wha? 

ORANFH: (mumbles)? 

JEDD: Ever get that feeling like when a black cat crosses your path? 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: No not the "make sandwiches" feeling. I mean the "bad luck" feeling. Well multiply it by 500 million and you'll know how it feels to walk across the boss' aura. 

HATRI: What?! 

ORANFH: (mumbles)?! 

JEDD: She's here! She knows we've failed! If she finds the kid before we do, it's goodbye dental plan!! 

HATRI: Dental plan?! More like goodbye teeth!! 

ORANFH: (mumbles)?! 

JEDD: I don't know what we should do -- we're never going to just find the kid before she does... 

HATRI: I suggest that we run like scared chibies and hope she considers us too unimportant to chase. 

ORANFH: (mumbles)! 

JEDD: I don't know, Hatri. Maybe we should follow her. 

HATRI: ?! 

ORANFH: ?! 

JEDD: Think of it this way; we can't succeed at what she told us to do, but if we're at least there to back her up, she'll know that it's no fault of our loyalty! Just because we failed, doesn't mean it was because we were lazy, drunk, depraved or incompetent! 

HATRI: ...but... we spent most of last night being lazy, drunk, depraved and incompetent. 

JEDD: And I warn you now: if you tell her that, I will transfigure your blood into acid! 

ORANFH: (mumbles)! 

HATRI: He's right! The best you could manage would be lanolin with vitamin E! 

JEDD: You'd still be dead! 

HATRI: But I'd smell _great!_

 

(Back at the catacombs…)

MITSIE: So please keep all your arms, legs, spooky dark cloaks and other assorted appendages inside the tram at all times. 

SILHOUETTE/HOT CHICK: (To Emal) Are you alright? 

EMAL: (Wiping his face) Yeah; my sinuses needed to be cleaned --um! I mean (smacks self in head) um... 

SIL: My name is Sillene.

EMAL: (Surprised.) What? Why? 

SIL: I told you my name; it's-- 

EMAL: No; I heard you. ...My name is Emal and I'm an idiot. 

SIL: (smiles) We'll get along fine. 

EMAL: (Voice-over) Wow! A pretty woman told me her name without a court-order! I knew applying for a bishie membership would change my luck! 

SIL: (Voice-over) The demonling doesn't seem to have recognized me, but the messenger must be around here somewhere. ...the creature seems to be trying to find the Flame Orb itself. This could get interesting. 

SOOT: (Voice-over) Amlah close enough to shield my aura? Check. Tram route passing near the archaeological shafts? Check. Emal sufficiently distracted by hot chick to not wonder what I'm up to? Check. Granola bars in pocket in case I get hungry? Check...

 

(The CATA-TOURS tram prepares to move.) 

 

MITSIE: Now everyone, please pair off and take your seats! (to Soot) I bet you'll want to see really well. You can sit by me in the front, short stuff! 

SOOT: Great, 'cause I really don't want to sit next to that guy. (points at Emal). 

EMAL: Hey! 

AMLAH: That wasn't nice, little master! 

SOOT: He's sweating like a toastie-cake at a fat farm! He smells terrible! Of course I don't want to sit near him! 

EMAL: (Grumbles and takes a seat by himself.) Why do I feel like I'm back in gradeschool? 

SIL: (Approaches) There seem to be no seats left, is it okay if I sit here? 

SOOT: I hope you have a high tolerance for B.O. and stupid comments, lady! 

SIL: (smiles…) 

 

(…as we make a convenient scene change to a Coratheim streetcorner!) 

HATRI: I don't know. ...I'm allergic. 

JEDD: There aren't actually cats in the catacombs, Hatri. 

HATRI: Really? What are they for, then? 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

HATRI: You're kidding! That's gross!

 

 

(Meanwhile…)

MITSIE: (On loudspeaker.) We are now passing through the hall of fingers. If you look to your left, you will see that what appears to be stucco on the walls is really the assorted knucklebones of thousands of criminals from the Iarimian era... 

SIL: (To Emal) So what brings you to Coratheim? 

EMAL: Business, actually. I'm sticking around for a while, though; I've got an interview with the local bishounen guild. 

SIL: Bishounen! 

EMAL: No, bishounen. 

SIL: I've been trying to get into my bishoujou guild for years; they keep saying that my hair isn't lustrous enough. 

EMAL: (gulps) Looks fine to me. ...you know, I was reading this pamphlet about eggwhites... 

SIL: (Listens intently) 

MITSIE: Of course, during the Iarimian age, a "criminal" could be just about anyone who displeased the demon-empress. 

EMAL: So what about you? Do you live here in Coratheim? 

SIL: No. ...the area. I'm here to pick something up. 

MITSIE: Many of these are surely the bones of innocent men, women and children, whose fingers were ripped from their live and quivering flesh. 

EMAL: Really? What? 

MITSIE: ... but there wouldn't have been much intelligible screaming, folks: these people all had their tongues cut out and cauterized before moving to this step of the execution process. 

SOOT: Cool! 

SIL: (Flusters) Umm... 

MITSIE: As we know, the demoness Iarim was driven from Coratheim centuries ago, but was not wholly defeated until these past two years, when she was fully exorcised by our current Messenger of the gods... 

SIL: (frowns) Wait a minute. 

MITSIE: ...it's rumored that she had the unlikely name of "Emal." Coming up on our right... 

SIL: Wait a minute! 

EMAL: Um! Uh! I! Um! 

SIL: That was you?! 

EMAL: (Slips off coat, showing robe-dress) 

SIL: No way! I knew we had a male messenger, but I didn't know you were so accomplished! Taking on Iarim! 

EMAL: Well... I had a whole lot of luck... 

SIL: I'll bet! 

EMAL: Well... I got the messenger job when my mom died. She was the one who set up the plan to neutralize Iarim; discovered her one weakness and everything. All I had to do was act it out. 

SIL: The demon-empress had your mother killed?! 

EMAL: No... You'd think so, but no. Iarim was responsible for many deaths, many shattered families-- 

SIL: (Under breath) She was indeed... 

EMAL: --but mine wasn't one of them. 

SIL: Oh of course you don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry. 

EMAL: Doesn't bother me much anymore. (Looks like it bothers him quite a bit.) So, um... I'd have to say that my only real accomplishment as a messenger aside from the regular stuff would be the incident with Baron Obidiah of Lorellin. 

SIL: You mean the one they called Big Evil Baron Guy? He was the most notorious bandit in the Mt. Lorel area! 

EMAL: Yeah. I really thought that turning him into a lemur would help the local communities, but I guess the only people who really benefited were the small groups of wood brigands that were able to spring up after he was out of the picture. 

SIL: Don't sell yourself short! (Rubs one hand across her eyes, speaking softly.) I don't believe this! 

EMAL: Don't believe what? 

SIL: ...nothing! 

EMAL: Why are you looking at me like that? 

SIL: It's nothing! (points over the side) Hey! Look! Femurs! 

(Meanwhile, at the front of the tram.) 

MITSIE: (Yelling at a tourist) I said no flash photography! Don't make me get out the stungun! 

AMLAH: Intriguing! Yet you might find that the delicate taser has a momentous impression upon that which offends mightily this sacred space! 

MITSIE: Huh? 

SOOT: (Not looking up from catacomb map) She said, "I like tasers." 

MITSIE: Cool!

 

 

…


	8. There's Something about a Tram

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The identity of the Hidden Thing -- unhidden! Soot's weirdo secret -- well, still secret...

EMAL: Would you excuse me a minute? 

SIL: Sure. (Watches Emal get up, then speaks quietly to herself.) I can't believe it... He certainly doesn't look like anything great, and yet he's responsible for so much. (Sillene's eyes shift to Soot) What would move him to consort with such an evil creature? I must do what I must do, but I must try to keep him out of it. I must try, at least, to spare his life... 

(Scene, the front of the tram) 

 

SOOT: (To Mitsie) How long before we reach this section? (Points on map.) 

MITSIE: Ah, no; this map shows the old cata-tours route. The closest we're getting to the archaological tunnels is here (points). We'll be there in a few minutes. 

SOOT: But isn't there any chance we could-- 

EMAL: Guys! You're not going to believe this! 

AMLAH: What is it, Master Emal? 

EMAL: I think I've met the girl of my dreams! (Looks over his shoulder at Sillene, sitting at the back of the tram) That's her right there. 

AMLAH: Now now, Master Emal, perhaps you are being too impulsive. 

EMAL: Maybe, but Amlah, we've totally got to stay in Coratheim a few more days so I can hang with this chick! 

SOOT: Hmm... I think I know her from somewhere... 

EMAL: Amlah, she's almost everything I've ever wanted -- beatutiful, morbose-- 

SOOT: (Grumbling at map) That's nice Emal. 

EMAL: There's something here; I know it. There's something about Sillen that speaks to me on a level that not even the gods can reach. I barely know her, but I may have found the other half of my soul! 

AMLAH: Well... I suppose you could woo the girl. The messenger will need a bride if there's to be any more beyond your time. 

EMAL: Bride; yeesh! I only just met the broad. 

 

 

(Scene: Catacomb entrance) 

HATRI: Jedd, this place gives me the willies, walters, wandas and woodrows all together! 

ORANFH: (mumble-laughs) 

HATRI: Shut up! It's a perfectly valid name! 

JEDD: Quiet both of you. I think it's that way (points). Let's go. 

HATRI: But Jedd ...the next tour doesn't leave for ninety minutes. 

ORANFH: (mumbles affirmatively) 

JEDD: Gah! (Grabs their arms) Come on! 

 

 

(Scene: front of the tram) 

AMLAH: Master Emal; you're so irresponsible! 

EMAL: What, because I want to get with a gorgeous babe like that? Nope: no healthy adult heterosexual male response here. 

SOOT: (Looks up from map.) Amlah, why don't you give Mitsie a demonstration? You know (mimes being electrocuted). 

AMLAH: Now little master Soot! You know that I only do that for Master Emal's own good! He's not doing anything bad now. 

EMAL: (Steps forward) Yeah, Soot. Why would you ask Amlah something like that? 

MITSIE: Sir, please stay behind the yellow line. 

AMLAH: Yeah! (takes out taser) 

BZZZZZZT! 

EMAL: Gah!

 

 

EMAL: Geeeaaa... Don't wanna clean my room... 

SIL: (Voice from back of tram) Emal! 

MITSIE: Cool! 

AMLAH: And now he knows not to be bad! 

EMAL: (Groans) What did I do this time, bite my nails? 

AMLAH: Maybe that too; let me see 'em! (Flutters around Emal's hands) 

EMAL: (Pulls hands away) Hey! 

SIL: (Hurrying up) Emal, are you alright? 

EMAL: I guess. ...no thanks to featherhead here! For someone who's supposed to be a little slice of good incarnate, you're a real b--! (stutters) bi- biit-- Darnit! 

AMLAH: (Holds up taser) I told you that learning by conditioning worked. 

EMAL: You're _sick!_ You sick, sick little pixie! ...oh. Where are my manners? Amlah, Sil. Sil, Amlah.

SIL: Uh. Hi. 

AMLAH: Hi! 

EMAL: Yeah, and this is ...hey... 

SIL: What happened to the dem-- I mean, the kid who was with you? 

AMLAH: Little master Soot! (Calling) Little master Soot!

SIL: He must have slipped away while you were twitching and mumbling about teddy bears! 

AMLAH: But why would the dear child do such a thing? 

EMAL: (Horrified) You heard that? 

AMLAH: But we shall require the foundling's help to find that which was hidden. 

SIL: That which was ...you mean he knows where it is?! And you took him right to it?! 

AMLAH: ..? 

EMAL: ...?! 

SIL: No time for that now! (Notices that Soot's catacomb map is gone) Come with me! (Slides over the rail.) I think I know where he went! 

MITSIE: Hey! Keep all limbs inside the tram! 

AMLAH: The poor little master; trying to be a hero and find the thing of value by himself! 

EMAL: (Looks at Amlah. Shrugs.) Maybe. At any rate, we need to find Soot before he gets himself hurt. (Takes hold of rail and begins to climb over) 

MITSIE: (Hits Emal with stungun.) I said, asshole, stay behind the yellow line!

EMAL: Ow! (Emal shudders and falls over the rail, followed by Amlah) 

SIL: You okay? I think it's this way (points down the tunnel). 

AMLAH: How is it that you know of the hidden things of Lord Pyrosk, Most High? 

SIL: Hidden from the sun-god, perhaps... Didn't you ever wonder "hidden by whom?" 

EMAL: (Shaking head) I'd have to say that I haven't. 

SIL: I can believe that. Pyrosk has been the patron deity of Coratheim since its founding. Who would want to hide anything from him? 

EMAL: ...oh my god! 

SIL: Far from it! 

EMAL: Before Mom died, she used to tell me about the demoness Iarim's fall from dominance. One of the reasons I was able to defeat her was because her power had been reduced in her flight from the city! 

AMLAH: Neither light nor wisdom... 

SIL: A precious relic, left behind against what she thought would be a speedy return, barred from the sight of her enemy Pyrosk by its position beneath the earth and the aura of drunken frat parties permeating these caves! -- the Flame Orb! 

EMAL: Sweet flying heck in a hat! Whoever's trying to steal that would have to be not only hugely powerful to begin with, but posessed of a great and destructive ambition! (Starts down the tunnel) 

AMLAH: Litte master Soot does not stand much chance! We must hurry! 

SIL: (Grabs Emal by the back of the collar) Wait! 

EMAL: Urk! 

SIL: Hold on a minute. (Sil looks from Emal and Amlah and back) Do you mean that you don't know whom you've been traveling with?

 

 

 

 

Dun dun duuuuuuuuun!!


	9. The Perfect Disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've heard of wandering away from the tour group, but this is ridiculous!

Last time, on _Deconstruction_...

 

SIL: (Grabs Emal by the back of the collar) Wait! 

EMAL: Urk! 

SIL: Hold on a minute. (Sillene looks from Emal and Amlah and back) Do you mean that you don't know whom you've been traveling with?

EMAL: Well explain on the way; let's go! 

SIL: (Even without her cloak, she has an uncanny gliding gait.) The child you call Soot is no ordinary boy! 

EMAL: Yeah; I know. 

SIL: Great! Let's hurry. I think he-- 

EMAL: I've been suspecting that he had ADHD since day one. That kid can never keep his mind on (looks down) -- hey! Shiny!

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 _And now, the really cool continuation:_  
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(Sillene is hurrying to keep up with Emal as they zip down the tunnel. Amlah, now slightly glowing, is their only light source other than the dim flickerings of the cata-tours left behind) 

EMAL: Does it seem to be getting hotter down here to you? 

SIL: (Huffing) Slow down. You need to know! 

EMAL: We're not making any sort of time like this! 

AMLAH: You are right, Master Emal. Why don't you try (whispers in his ear). 

EMAL: I can do that? Okay... 

SIL: Wait; what are you-- 

EMAL: (Pressing his palms together. An unseen and impossible wind begins to blow.) _Pantheon of the Most-High; your Messenger entreats: Speed my journey!_ (Emal's hair and clothes are blown about in a way that would probably make a female messenger look really hot). 

SIL: What the--?! 

AMLAH: Whee! 

(All three of them are swept down the tunnel at an improbable speed until--) 

SIL: Ooof! 

AMLAH: A magnificent ride! 

EMAL: Okay. Now why exactly didn't you tell me about that one when I was trying to cross Mount Lorel? 

AMLAH: The journey is the truest part of the messenger's task! 

EMAL: I got blisters on my blisters on my freakin-- 

SIL: Look! (Points) 

AMLAH: Is it the little master Soot? 

SIL: Well that and the river of magma. 

EMAL: Oh; as long as it's not just me... (takes off coat)

(A river of molten earth flows red through the tunnel; we are long past the archaological section. Beyond its far banks we see a round and glowing rock set on a pedastal marked with the language of the Beast. On its near shore...) 

EMAL: Soot! 

SOOT: What the--?! Oh. Hi.  
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(Somewhere in the tunnels) 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: Yes I'm sure: the kid's aura reappeared and it hasn't faded -- it's this way! 

HATRI: This is taking forever! You know what would really make this trip go faster? (Sings) Under the bo-o-oard-walk! 

JEDD: (Punches Hatri in the stomach) 

HATRI: Geah! 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: No, but it was very satisfying. Come on; this is our chance to save our skins! 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

HATRI: (Gaspy voice) Yeah! What he said!

JEDD: I'm a _what?!_

HATRI: An _idiot_ , Jedd! The worst the boss would do is kick us out of the brigandage, beat us pulpy, break a few bones and leave us for the obra wolves covered in barbecue sauce. 

JEDD: Yes, Hatri. She would. That's _bad_. 

ORANFH: (Shakes head) (mumbles) 

HATRI: Yeah. For a guy who got accepted to college, you're not that bright. 

JEDD: What do you mean? 

HATRI: You only joined up what, a year ago? Do you have any idea what things were like under Big Evil Baron Guy? Working for him was a nightmare! We all thought that the boss was a gift from the gods! 

ORANFH: (mumbles)! 

HATRI: Yeah! Aside from the unspeakable acts of torture and demonic rites, he made us read poetry about his girlfriend! Even had me serenade her once (shudders). With the boss we get treated like quasi-human beings and have a great pension plan! 

JEDD: Do you guys ever think that your standards might be a little low? 

HATRI: (Confused) No... 

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(Back at the river of magma:) 

SIL: Stop him! 

EMAL: Sillene, do you really think that even the most eight year-old of boys is going to run right into a river of molten rock? The very fact that we're standing here makes no sense: why wouldn't the flow just fill this chamber? And how are we able to breathe, the heat alone -- DON'T! 

AMLAH: (Holding taser) You shouldn't nitpick! 

EMAL: Yeah, but can it _wait?!_ Soot, come back here! I've heard of wandering away from the tour group, but this is ridiculous! 

SOOT: (Looks across the way at the glowing rock) Um... how 'bout no? (Looks back to Sil) And where have I seen you before? I have; now I'm sure of it! 

EMAL: Soot; come on! (Reaches for him) 

SOOT: (Jumps backwards into the river of rock) 

EMAL: Soot! Nooooooooooooo!! 

AMLAH: Little master! 

EMAL: He was just a kid! 

SOOT: (Surfacing) Oh don't be so melodramatic; I'm _fine!_ (Turns around and starts swimming. The little guy has to fight hard against the current, but manages to make headway.) 

EMAL: (Amazed) What the %$? 

AMLAH: (Amazed) What the %$ indeed... (Goes "eep!" and slaps herself in the face) 

SIL: Stop him before he gets to the other side! He must not gain the jewel!

EMAL: Alright, Sil, what's going on?

SOOT: (Breathing hard) I knew skipping out on swimming lessons was going to cost me! 

SIL: That's no ordinary child! 

EMAL: Well the swimming through lava thing would sort of suggest that! 

SIL: The one you call Soot is some kind of evil fire entity! He has incredible tolerance to heat and flame! In his hands, the Flame Orb could wreak incredible evil! 

SOOT: (Gasping) Is that why you think (gasp) I want this thing? 

EMAL: (Blinks) Well that would explain why he was terrified of crossing the Cronno -- river gods hate fire demons. 

AMLAH: And indeed a strength of aura would satisfy his seeming fears of the ward pillars outside the House of Pyrosk. 

EMAL: Not to mention why he chomped right into a burning-hot toastie-cake! 

SIL: You had all those clues? ...you don't have to pass a written exam to become a messenger, do you? 

EMAL: Wait... If Soot's so much of a threat, why was he being held prisoner by an insane old brigand with a speech impediment? 

SIL: (mumbles something like "stupid affirmative action") 

SOOT: WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT THE FREAKIN' ORB?! 

EMAL: I don't believe it! He doesn't act that much worse than any other eight year-old. 

SIL: The perfect disguise for a demon! 

SOOT: #$&% you, lady! (still swimming) 

SIL: I have some magic, but none that could help us cross this barrier! 

EMAL: Amlah, can you fly across? 

AMLAH: (Zips toward the edge of the magma, and a huge spurt of vertical flame nearly makes her molt early) Eeep! 

EMAL: So if Soot's a demon, what kind of demon are we talking about? 

SIL: That's just it... 

SOOT: Almost (gasp) ...there! 

SIL: The creature's mother was the earth-demoness Lynkadr, of that I'm sure. 

AMLAH: But such a child would have no power of fire! 

EMAL: Lynkadr! My mom mentioned her once when she was teaching me about this region, but I can't remember-- 

SOOT: (Climbing onto the far bank, he sits himself down to catch his breath) What do you know? 

SIL: (To Emal) It's not too late. With your powers and what magic I have, we must defeat him before he leaves this cave with the Flame Orb! 

EMAL: Say that again, but wet your lips first. 

AMLAH: Master Emal! 

EMAL: (Rolls eyes) He's got a point, though: how do you know so much about Soot? 

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How indeed....


	10. Well THIS Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You put that apocalyptic power jewel back this instant!

This post brought to you by Chaos Baked Goods! Try the muffins. Or else.

 

(Emal, Sillene, and Amlah are interrupted by a skidding sound as Jedd, Hatri and Oranfh come tumbling into the magma cave.)

 

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JEDD: Oof! 

HATRI: Hot in here or is it me? 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

EMAL: Wood brigands! (Steps in front of Sil) 

HATRI: Boss! 

EMAL: Boss? 

JEDD: We didn't mean to fail you, boss! We're here to help! 

SOOT: Boss?! You're that evil snark who had me kidnapped!! 

SIL: (Smacks self in head) So much for subtlety. 

SOOT: (Eyes very wide) Amlah! Get out of here! Take Emal and get out of here!

AMLAH: I am left perplexed... Surely Soot must then gain his power over fire from his male parent... 

SOOT: She put a spell on the fire to keep me in the cage! Ask her, Emal: If all she wanted was to keep the Flame Orb from falling into the wrong hands, then why not just kill me? Why keep me prisoner? 

SIL: (under breath) Oh crud. 

SOOT: Why not just leave me where I was? Auntie K was infuriatingly good at keeping me out of trouble! 

EMAL: Auntie K? (To Sil) Okay. Why were you and your brigands keeping him prisoner? 

SIL: You mean you don't -- I'm sorry; I was expecting you to be more surprised that my henchmen are brigands. I mean... (gestures to Jedd, Oranfh and Hatri) It is a little wierd. 

EMAL: Not really. (Points at Amlah) Look who I work with. 

AMLAH: Master Emal! WhoM! 

SIL: Okay; I give up! Yes, I want the Flame Orb for myself. With it, I can restore my family line to its former glory. 

EMAL: And you were holding Soot prisoner until he agreed to get it for you? 

SIL: (Cringing) Well... 

SOOT: She was waiting for me to get bigger so that she could make a flamesuit out of my skin! 

EMAL: **_Yuck!_**

SIL: Sue me. Like you've never wanted to do that. 

EMAL: You've got a point. ...but yuck!

SOOT: Well fat chance trying that now! (His hand closes around the glowing rock, which pulses and sizzles in his unharmed hand.) Wohoo; yeah! 

HATRI: Oh spoon! 

JEDD: "Spoon?" What the crud kinda' curse is "spoon?" 

HATRI: You need to surf the net more, man. 

ORANFH: (mumbles) 

JEDD: What the heck is "leet"? 

HATRI: 133t, man, and you never will be.

SOOT: Wow! I hope I can learn to use this thing! 

 

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(Soot aims the jewel at the river of magma, and opens a pathway just wide enough for a flame-retardant child to walk through) 

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SOOT: Well that answers that question. (Begins to walk across) Amlah? Can we go for toastie cakes on the way back? 

EMAL: (To Sil) Sure. There's a demonic threat. 

AMLAH: _May_ , little master, and you put that apocalyptic power jewel back this instant! 

SIL: He's more dangerous than he looks! I've begun to speculate upon who the creature's father may have been. I reviewed the paninfernon and a number of male fire-demons struck out, but it doesn't account for the way he's able to disguise himself as human-- 

SOOT: (Rolls his eyes) Dad can be kind of lame, but he's certainly no demon. 

SIL: Nonsense! What other being could have that much command over flames? 

EMAL: Wait a minute... The Flame Orb is the "hidden thing," but the "thing of value..." 

SIL: Thing of value? 

AMLAH: Master Emal was commanded to find the hidden thing and also a thing of value. 

EMAL: Soot! Who's "Auntie K"? 

SOOT: Dad's kinswoman; duh! Just a minute, I think I --crud! (SCHLOOP! The magma tunnel closes in. Soot's head bobs to the surface) Darn it! Don't quite have the knack yet. (Swims) 

HATRI: He hasn't yet mastered its power. We can defeat him! 

EMAL: (Puts hands on Sil's shoulders) Where did you find him? 

SIL: What? 

EMAL: Where was Soot when you kidnapped him? 

SIL: He was... 

EMAL: It's important! 

HATRI: We nabbed the kid from Lorelin, to the south of the Mount. He was in the temple of the goddess Kojiia. 

EMAL: (Lets go of Sil and stands agape) 

AMLAH: The message from Stormcloud to her kinsman... 

SIL: What are you saying? 

 

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(Soot, Flame Orb clenched firmly in his small fist, has reached the near shore. He dusts himself off.) 

 

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EMAL: I'm saying that Soot isn't a demon on his father's side. 

SOOT: (Walks up to Amlah) Can we go back now? 

EMAL: ...he's a _god!_

( _Music sting._ ) 

HATRI: Well _that_ sucks.  
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An evil cookie to everyone who saw this coming!!


	11. Standards and Practitioners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what was it about Sil that Emal couldn't resist? ...and Amlah may look sweet, but do NOT make her mad!

I'd like to thank all my buds on the forum who let me take their names for the people and places in this story:   
Big Evil  
Loreli, Corath and Chrono  
Mirai  
Kojiro and Pyroskank  
Ryu and Rocky  
Linky Dragonclaw  
and of course, Jett, Hadrian and Glor-an-Fhiada.  
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SOOT: (Waves the jewel in the air) Good luck trying to skin me alive whilst I've got _this!_ (A flame beam shoots out from the orb and chips off part of the cieling) Oops! 

ORANFH: (dodging) (mumbles) 

SIL: Give me that! 

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(Sil holds up her hands and a dark flame of energy waves out at Soot. He's knocked to the ground, but doesn't drop the jewel.) 

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JEDD: Nice shot, boss! 

EMAL: (To Sil) As distracted as I am by your charm, wit, grace, intelligence and cleavage, my good guy senses are tingling and I don't think that anyone should leave this cave with the Flame Orb! 

SIL: But you don't know why I need it! My cause is noble: I want to bring my family -- which at the moment means exclusively me -- back to its position of primacy on this continent, the restoration of the Coratheim Empire, which once spanned from shore to shore! 

EMAL: You mean you lead a small crime syndicate, practice dark magic, kidnapped and planned to flay an eight year-old, and on top of that you're seeking quasi-world domination? That's evil! 

SIL: Well if you put it that way-- 

EMAL: You really are my dream woman! 

AMLAH: Master Emal! 

EMAL: (Rolls eyes) Divine or not, Soot, your dad said that the hidden thing's supposed to stay hidden! Put it back! 

SOOT: I have a better idea. How 'bout I don't? 

SIL: But I must have the Flame Orb! You must deal with me, messenger, for without my help you cannot hope to defeat-- 

EMAL: (Presses his palms together. The unseen wind begins to blow.) 

HATRI: (Takes off hat) Refreshing! 

EMAL: _Most High pantheon, your messenger calls upon you. I beg the forces of wind and wave to counter..._

SOOT: Aw crud. 

EMAL: _Smite!_

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(A half-full water balloon falls from nowhere and beans Soot on the head. The Flame Orb flies from his hand and Emal catches it.) 

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EMAL: Ow! Hot! (tosses the jewel from hand to hand) Hot! Hot! Hot! 

JEDD: (Stepping forward) I think you'd better give that to the boss! 

EMAL: I'm sorry, did you miss my whole speech with the good guy senses and -- _Jedd?!_

JEDD: (Frowns) Do I know -- sweet breath of mana! Emal from mage college! 

EMAL: How you been, man? 

JEDD: Na' bad. Hey, didn't you have to leave school like a week before I dropped out? 

EMAL: About that long. Why? 

JEDD: 'Cause they taught this one the day after you left. 

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(Jedd fires a bolt at Emal. His entire body convulses as he falls to the floor.) 

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AMLAH: Master Emal! 

SIL: Good work! (Takes the Flame Orb from his hand). 

JEDD: He should be out for an hour.

 

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(Amlah is visibly – and audibly – upset.)

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AMLAH: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-- 

SIL: Amlah, you are the guide. (Moves to Emal and touches him briefly on the edge of his very messy bowl cut) When Emal comes to, guide him out of here. 

AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-- 

SIL: (Glances to Soot, who is regaining consciousness) For your sakes we will spare the boy as well; without the Flame Orb, he is not so great of a threat. 

AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-- 

HATRI: Okay if we leave now, boss? I'm getting a headache. 

SIL: Of course. (Grinning happily) The world awaits. 

AMLAH: --eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-- 

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(As she and her henchbrigands head for the tunnel, a blast of arcane earth shakes the chamber. The roof of the tunnel collapses, leaving them with no exit.) 

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EMAL: I don't think so! 

AMLAH: --eeeeeee! Go Master Emal! 

JEDD: What? That spell should have left you out cold for another fifty minutes at least! 

EMAL: You greatly underestimate my tolerance to electrocution.

SIL: No! I need the Flame Orb to create my new world order! Just wait until you can see it, Emal; how could such a regime as mine displease the gods? 

JEDD: Yes! Join us, old friend! 

EMAL: Coratheim may have been a dictatorship under Iarim, but the people are happy with their senate -- so what if those crusty old farts sleep around with interns and eat too many puffie-pies? -- a return to monarchy would be reactionary! (To Jedd) And you just shot me in the gut with a mini-bolt; I don't think we'll be carpooling to frat reunions any time soon. 

HATRI: Whatever you just said, man; it's bull and we're keeping the orb! 

AMLAH: We shall never allow you to leave this place with it yet in your possession! 

SOOT: Yeah! Give it back to _me_! I only want it so that no one can kidnap me again! ...and maybe rain fire upon a few major cities. 

EMAL: Kid, I'm already going to ask your aunt to ground you. How 'bout shutting up? 

SOOT: (To Sil) Grrr! I do have some power of my own! (Red-orange flames begin to lick about the insides of his eyes, and the earth at his feet shakes.) 

AMLAH: (Begins to glow. Her usually cheerful and lovely features take on a dark and violent cast. From nowhere, she pulls out a tiny flaming sword, and her wings seem like white plumes of fire) 

SIL: I do what I must! (Dark fire gathers about her hands) 

JEDD: I'm with ya, boss! 

EMAL: Bring it on! 

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(All at once, the air is alive with flames both red and dark, powers holy, electrical, secular and demonic! The very dust quails! The very rocks shriek!) 

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HATRI: Kinda' makes you feel left out, doesn't it? 

ORANFH: (mumbles)


	12. Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And what have we learned from all this? No! Aside from that!

Title: Another Day

 

(With all the energy afoot and the tunnelway conveniently blocked, not to mention the river of magma, it is only a matter of time until--) 

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**_BOOM!_ **

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(Scene: Cata-tours tram. Tourists are running and screaming as chunks of the tunnel ceilings fall into their midst!) 

MITSIE: Gaaah! Stay behind the yellow line! 

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(Scene: Temple of Pyrosk. Assorted priests and clergy stop their tasks as the walls tremble.) 

PRIEST: Holy #$%&! 

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(Scene: Coratheim Bishounen Guild Offices. A signed picture of Sesshoumaru clatters to the floor as the entire building shakes) 

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(Scene: Mount Lorel.) 

BRIGAND RYUA: (To Brigand Fzzr) You say something? 

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(Scene: A gaping pit, now open to the sky just outside the shaken city walls. The magma flows, steams and slowly begins to cool in the open air.) 

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HATRI: Geaah. (Shakes himself) I'm alright! Guys! Boss! 

SIL: ...alive. 

JEDD: I'm okay. 

ORANFH: Me too. 

JEDD and HATRI: (Stare at Oranfh) 

SOOT: _That was bitchin'!_

EMAL: (Climbing out from under rocks) Another day, another demolition. 

AMLAH: Don't be so down, Master Emal. Surely the Flame Orb was lost amidst all the chaos. 

EMAL: (Walks over to Sil and offers her his hand) 

SIL: (Allowing Emal to help her to her feet) Yes... It probably fell into the river of rock. It is now better hid than even the sun-god could wish. (Shakes her head) I suppose I must create my new world order without its power. Emal, I can't help but notice that you don't really like your job. Would you consider coming to work with me? We could reshape this society! 

EMAL: I'm sorry, Sillene. I'd love to meet you for coffee, be your boyfriend, penpal, arch-nemesis, whatever you need, but if there's one thing I've learned from this crazy story, it's that no matter how wonderful the chick is, never let her come between you and your friends! 

SIL: Emal, that's beautiful! 

SOOT: What are you talking about? That's not one of our themes! You made that up! 

EMAL: Dude, _shut up!_

SIL: There's one thing, though... 

EMAL: Yes? 

SIL: The water balloon; how did you know that it would neutralize Soot? 

EMAL: Oh! It was something that Lord Pyrosk said to me. The deal with him is that his instructions can get very obtuse, but they always turn out accurate after the fact. If he says Soot is a thing of value to him, he means it. 

SOOT: So why pawn me off on Auntie K my whole life? 

EMAL: Because you're immune to his kind of flame magic. He'd have had no way of keeping you under control. And quite frankly (rolls his eyes at Amlah and sighs) sometimes people do need a good zapping when they've misbehaved. 

AMLAH: (Flips her hair.)

SIL: But what's that got to do with it? 

EMAL: Simple: Soot said that Stormcloud was good at keeping him out of trouble. What's a stormcloud but air and water? 

SIL: Hm... 

EMAL: So, uh ...could I buy you dinner after my bishounen interview? 

SIL: Okay! 

SOOT: WHAT?! 

EMAL: No offense, Soot, but I'd rather you didn't tag along on this one-- 

SOOT: No no no no -- I mean why are you asking her out? She's evil! 

EMAL: So? That's no reason to be rude. 

SOOT: Dude, she tried to make a coat out of my skin! 

EMAL: Yes, but she's really hot. 

SOOT: She _tried_ to make a coat out of my _skin_!

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(Scene: That evening at the temple of Pyrosk. The messenger has returned unexpectedly early to commune with the sun-god. A smaller form, not a shadow, but radiant, approaches with him. The messenger nears as if with news, yet his countenance is dark.) 

EMAL: Well of course I've got news, and your countenance would be dark too! 

(It is not likely.) 

SOOT: Hi, Dad. 

(How's it going, short stuff?) 

SOOT: Fine. 

EMAL: Why didn't you tell me that the thing of value was your son? 

(If the sun-god says "son," how can you tell that he means "son" and not "sun"?) 

EMAL: Uah?

(See what I mean?) 

EMAL: Because it was so much less confusing _this_ way.

(As the conversation continues, it becomes clear, like the ocean beneath the cloudlessness, that the return of the thing of value to the Stormcloud may not be best.) 

EMAL: No it frikkin' hasn't! 

SOOT: What? 

(The messenger has done well; the thing of value has increased in wisdom. One day his light will be great.) 

EMAL: No -- wait!! 

(The messenger will take the thing of value with him to deliver his next message. The thing of value will further increase. The thing of value will then be returned to the Lady of the Stormcloud.) 

SOOT: Dude! 

(Think of it as on-the-job training, short stuff.) 

EMAL: Gah! I can't believe this!

(You said you wanted a cool sidekick, man. He's a half-demon half-god with a smart mouth and great hair.) 

SOOT: Thanks! 

EMAL: But I'm the messenger; I'm almost a priest. Won't people think I'm a freak for hanging around with an eight year-old all the time? 

(The dress doesn't already do that?)

EMAL: Well it—But I— Geaah!!

(The messenger has done well. The messenger may claim his reward.) 

EMAL: (Looks up.) I get to pick? 

(For such a difficult and unusual task, with more ahead. Choose well. If the messenger should need time to ponder, it will be allowed, because such a—) 

EMAL: (Cuts him off) _Take away Amlah's taser!_

(Um... Choose something else.) 

EMAL: What? Why? 

(Uh...) 

SOOT: Dad? 

(Let's just say that... I'll explain in a minute. Just pick something else.) 

EMAL: Well... There is one thing... 

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(Scene: Interior of the temple of Pyrosk. Amlah flutters over to Soot and Emal and looks them up and down. The cut of Emal's robe has been radically changed. He probably couldn't sit for GQ, but no one's going to mistake it for a dress.) 

AMLAH: Master Emal, what's this?

EMAL: My new uniform, and what's this I hear about you threatening to send incriminating light-impressions to the local media? 

AMLAH: (Beams) _And_ the negatives! 

SOOT: Dad said I get to hang with you guys for the next trip! 

AMLAH: Wonderful, little master! 

EMAL: (Grumbles) Let's just go. 

PRIEST: Uh, Messenger? Why are you wearing pajamas at this hour? 

EMAL: (Stands gape-mouthed for a full minute, then folds his arms.) I can so totally live with that.

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(Scene: Coratheim streetcorner. Sil and her henchbrigands are present.) 

JEDD: So boss ...how's it going to go? 

SIL: Well... We had dinner and I think he likes me, but what with his schedule, my schedule, all the travelling and the fact that we're on opposite sides of the struggle between good and evil, we decided that it shouldn't be an exclusive relationship. 

JEDD: Oh. 

HATRI: I think Jedd meant to ask whether you're going to have us dipped in honey and tossed to the killer bees, boss. 

ORANFH: Yeah. Are we getting fired?

(Sil pauses, thinking. In her mind we hear: "If there's one thing I've learned from this crazy story ... never let it come between you and your friends!") 

SIL: (Turns to her henchbrigands and flips her black cloak over her head. In her creepy silhouette voice:) Come on, boys. Let's go home.

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(Scene, Coratheim customs office. Emal shoulders his pack and waves to Soot.) 

EMAL: Amlah, could you flit ahead and see how long the line is? Okay, Soot. Your dad gave me a message to take to his brother, and I guess I'm stuck with you 'til then. 

SOOT: Come on! I'm not so bad. 

EMAL: It seems that your divine and demonic heritage has blended in such a way as to make you no more evil than the average human eight year-old. Hate to clue you in, kid, but that's still no picnic. 

SOOT: Maybe, (points at Amlah) but isn't she supposed to be a little slice of good incarnate? Somehow I don't think I'm doing so badly. 

EMAL: Says the boy who wanted to rain fire down on three major cities just for the fun of it. 

SOOT: Yeah, well... (scuffs nervously at the floor) I bet I can still make myself useful, especially now that I don't have to hide my powers! 

EMAL: Whatever. (Sneezes) 

SOOT: Here; you can even borrow my hanky (Soot pulls a plain handrag out of his pocket. A granola bar and a small glowing rock fall to the floor.) 

EMAL: Gah! 

SOOT: Crud! My lunch! (Snatches granola bar) ...oh, and eheh! (sheepishly) Did I forget to mention that I managed to snatch the Flame Orb before it got buried? 

EMAL: No! (moves toward Soot) 

SOOT: (Darkly) Well you'd better. (Yelling) Amlah! Emal used the word %$#@! 

AMLAH: He did? 

EMAL: What? No I-- oh %$#@! 

**BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTT!!**

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(Scene, Coratheim customs office holding cell. Emal is coming to.) 

EMAL: Gaah... (To Soot) What did I do this time? 

AMLAH: Nasty words! 

EMAL: And why am I in a cell?

SOOT: Your head was smoking again.

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(Scene: Outside the Coratheim gates. Emal looks somewhat melancholy as he views the shining skyline.) 

EMAL: I'm almost sorry to leave. 

AMLAH: And why is that, Master Emal? 

EMAL: I'm going to think of Sillene every time I look at these shining city walls! 

AMLAH: That's just lovely! 

SOOT: Especially considering that the big fat hole we blew in them is on the other side. 

EMAL: Soot, you're going to have to learn what a "moment" is. 

SOOT: Hey! When you look at the city walls, are you also going to remember your bishounen application getting declined? 

EMAL: _I just haven't grown out my hair yet!_

AMLAH: Now little master! 

SOOT: Yeah, yeah... So where we going? 

AMLAH: (Points to the west, away from Mount Lorel) That way! 

EMAL: Your father has a message for Rokea, Lady of the Unknown. 

SOOT: Wow! What's her deal? 

EMAL: Well... I don't really know... 

SOOT: Cool! 

 

(Our three Zeroes trek off into the sunset, a sun which almost seems to be laughing at them. ...would be laughing with them, but if he told them the joke, their heads would explode.) 

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(Bows.) (Thank you for reading.)

**Author's Note:**

> Posted to Archive of Our Own on 2-17-2013.
> 
> It's pretty strange to revisit so many of my older works, but it would be even stranger not to include this one. It's one of the few multi-chapter original pieces that I managed to complete without a partner. It has a beginning, a middle and an end. That's underrated.


End file.
